I will not Regret

I'm so hip, even my errors are correct....

Nikki Giovanni

(from Ego Trippin)

Everything that's happened to me has made me so strong... I mean.... I can't even look at my errors and be like... " I wish I never did that." I'm at such an awareness of the supernatural, and the natural at such a good age that I'm more than thankful. I heard a sermon by T.D. Jakes and he was discussing the mindset of someone that's used to and accustomed to winning every battle. He said sometimes some people are so used to winning all the time that they cannot handle their first knockout. He said when you win, you've got to be strong enough to keep winning and humble enough to maintain what comes along with winning, because the minute you think you're the hottest thing, here comes the fall. Jeremiah and Zechariah also tried to explain what it felt like to see a city, a King, or someone of prominence fall. Those around them cannot fathom in their minds what could bring a great person or nation down. But, I've learned that Pride comes before a fall. Jakes also related it to Mike Tyson, the once highly favored heavyweight champion of the world, who is now really suffering. Society is only concerned with the winners. The educational system is centered only around successful battles, and successful inventions. Sadly, it seems he's never been the same since Buster Douglas defeated him in the tenth round because Mike had previously won 37 matches in a row. He was the champ. And after he fell the same people that cheered for him, made fun of him. After a "winner" loses it seems that he or she's world goes tumbling and spiraling down shortly afterward. The winner struggles because they were never prepared for defeat, or for the comeback. And then there are some that are so used to losing every battle that when they win they're suprised. There are friends I've lost, friends I've gained. Money I thought I wasted, but "all things work together for the good of those that love HIM and are called according to his purpose.

Who am I ?

Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.

Genesis 2:18

I really thank God for the gift of singleness and solitude. I thank God for helping me and keeping my mind and heart towards Him. I thank Him for his correction, and chastisement until I get the point He's been trying to make. I thank Him for the grace of one more day to get it right. Finally, I think I get what He's been pulling at me for years to let me know.

Tonight I came into the actualization that I do have a piece inside of me that functions so well that it will complete the right man. It is vital to his existence. What I have inside of me makes me a suitable, adapted, and complementary partner. He and I are two whole and functional pieces that shall make one whole part of the body of Christ. But, because lack of knowledge of Satan's wiles and tricks I became broken by many and thought I had to stay that way to live. I was afraid that if I began to walk in my fullest capacity, those around me would not be able to handle me.

Since childhood, it was frowned upon to be more intelligent or knowledgeable than "street." I was frowned upon for being thinner than "normal." It was frowned upon for following rules and guidelines because it was more attractive to live in disobedience to authority. Self- discipline seemed like cruelty to other people because I had limitations for safety for myself. Even though it wasn't a set rule, not to tease, not to let injustice ride, not to find the bad in others, it was something I lived by. I was lured into having an attitude rather than smile, lured into lying to cover up my obedience to a greater sense of morality, ethics, and God. Now that I'm looking back, I ask myself knowing that I lived a double life.... If that was never me, then who am I?

I've done countless bible studies on God's conversations with me. He said to me in a small voice, "My people have forgotten who I am. And, because of that they have lost themselves. They do whatever they see others do, whenever they 'feel.' But, I sent Christ as a small reminder of who they are because they can do greater works. They are like me. Princes, and Kings, Princesses and Queens of truth, righteous, light, and Holiness. Ambassadors for my grace. "

Tonight I've realized that I've subdued my strengths in my past, and put forth my weaknesses in order that people believe that I'm human just like them. But.... I'm not like them. I'm me. And there is something in me that God has made just like himself.

I realized that I've hidden my true desires and allowed my loving nature to be abused because I tried to adapt to a world that cannot accept the real.

I realized I won't even be true to myself because I don't want to be deemed as too outspoken, too eccentric, or too forthright....

But tonight I realize who I am.

I'm an artist. I'm a Prophetess. I'm a thinker. I'm determined. I'm a revolutionary.

I'm a singer. I'm an advocate. I'm polite. I'm humble. I'm a composer. I'm emotional.

I 'm a poet. I'm a writer. I'm focused. I'm a dancer. I'm a musician.

I'm a teacher. I'm a songwriter. I'm strong. I'm a Rapper. I'm faithful. I'm powerful.

I'm bubbly. I'm passionate. I'm an African. I'm a Christian. I'm beautiful.

I'm a leader. I'm nurturing. I'm classy. I'm sophisticated. I'm intelligent. I'm understanding.

I'm a visionary. I'm a dreamer. I'm ethereal. I'm forgiving and forgiven.

and I'm allowed to be that way without explanation or worry.

Once I begin to operate in those characteristics I can fully be effectively used by God because I'm yeilded to the Lord. Only God can judge how I deal with those traits he's blessed me with because he knows the true motives of my heart and how I use them.

All this time I was wondering why I haven't met the one yet, and God was really waiting on me to realize who I was because He's always known, my mate knows now, and I was the holdup. My mate recognizes me and the me I'm not. He knows I'm the missing piece because my future husband loves all those things about me so much it shines over my weaknesses. He encourages me to be myself and do what God says do no matter what. I love him because of that supernatural connection and bond... Thank you

Moved to Tears

It started out as a normal routine, but ended with me visiting a place I try to avoid daily.... the depths of my heart.

I ran the water, prepared for my weekly facial and stress relieving shower. I turned the music on as I usually do, but tonight it was different. I felt the words speaking to me, like there was a silent concert taking place in my heart... directly. These days I walk around like an icicle.... cold, and unmoved by anything other than duty. I handle my business and do no more. It's like I've pushed past pain months ago, but I failed to hold on to hope. Although the pain is gone, I felt empty if I concentrated on anything else other than the Lord. I tried to get by by just going with the flow, but something broke in me and the only thing that's flowing now are my tears.

Last night the music had its way with me. It entered me and evicted some bitterness, and low self esteem that had been hiding. I felt warmth, longing, and love. I felt God trying to move the unmovable. I felt God breathing hope into me. I felt God searching my heart for cracks. I felt God mending me. I felt like God was singing me love songs.....

It moved me to tears


Artist: Kem
Song: Love Calls
Album: Kemistry

I’m sittin’ here thinkin’ about you tonight
And all that you mean to me
I used to think I would never fall in love again
I guess I was wrong
When your heart was broken
When your wounded pride was laid to rest, baby
You’ll never open your heart to anyone else you said
But you lied, I know you’re lyin’ to me
You see your mind might be made up, mmm
But your heart has got it’s own plans
There’s no one to blame for false pride, tellin’ lies,tryin’ to hide
From feelin’ the pain, I know you don’t wanna feel it

There’s nowhere to hide when the love is callin’ your name, yeah
From the dark, babe, nowhere to hide, baby
There’s nowhere to hide, so let love have it’s way with your heart
When love calls, love calls, love calls your name


It’s on my lips
And I wish that you were still here
To take me away with your kiss
And take me away from all this crazy, crazy
‘Cause too many words have been spoken, mmm
Too many lies have been told, baby
You’ll never do it again you told yourself over andover and overYou’re wrong, dead wrong, babe, yeah

There’s nowhere to hide, mmm, when love is callin’your name
In from the dark, baby, nowhere to run, girl
There’s nowhere to hide, yeah, so let love have its way, girl, with your heart, babe
Love calls, love calls
There’s nowhere to hide, yeah, when love calls your name
You fall apart, baby
Nowhere to hide, nowhere to run when love is on its way, girl, to your heart, baby
When love calls, love calls your name, babe
Love’s callin’ your name, hey, hey
It’s callin’ out for, callin’ out for me, baby
Love’s on its way, baby, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah


I’m sittin’ here thinkin’ about you tonight
And how you make me feel
The sweetness of your touch
The softness of your voice, mmm
You make me wanna be a better man, baby
And I wanna thank you for calling me into your life
Into your arms, into your love