Diamonds

The music and the dancing is a means to draw them in, the love is what sustains them....

Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise,

That I dance like I have diamonds at the meeting of my thighs?

- Maya Angelou, "Still I Rise"

They constantly ask if they can come home with me, and I always refuse. I love them but I just can't do it. They don't stop hinting at my mothering capablilities, and totheir amazement I tell them I've never had a naturalborn child. They think it's hot that I can do so many things and I know so much, I tell them that I only know some things very well. They tell me I'll be a great mother to my own children one day, and I just wonder. They ask if I could be their mom and I'm always flattered. So, when their real moms come to get them, I feel the envy. But, I never try to out do the mothers, I just try to give each child the attention they deserve at work.... Or maybe I'm just giving them the attention I felt I deserved as a child....

Honestly, I have to pray hard before each day of work because children are the most intuitive people I know. It's like they can sense the slightest bit of insecurity inside of you, especially when they look up to you. So, I have to ask God to show me just which talents and how to use them the right way. By doing so, I really show them that life is about using what's inside of you to find joy. But, teaching them about joy sometimes it is complicated when I myself am still getting lessons in joy.

I went to work extremely tired, and feeling a little empty today. But, the children called me "beautiful." Whenever they say it and smile, it revives everything inside of me that was once dead because I know they are God's little instruments. God can use a child to minister straight to your hidden needs because of the purity of their hearts. They're accidentally honest on purpose sometimes. And the motives for the " I love you's" and "We need you's" they smother me with, are rooted in their strong desire to let me know that I am special, especially to them. Tim said to me today, "Aww Miss Jay, you're breaking out... it's ok cause everybody thinks you're beautiful!" I picked my head up, and felt like things were gonna be ok.

The values and morals that I steadily impart in these children are priceless. My attitude is, "why hold my gifts and talents to myself?" Worth more than any physical diamonds are the spiritual reasons behind my dancing.

I grasped on to dance as an emerging teenager to help me rise out of my own shyness and self doubt. There were things that I could do that others just couldn't replicate. Performances became my private world. Dancing became my own unique talent used to minister unto the Lord.

The Arts as a whole strengthened and layed a broad foundation in my life for understanding life. I embraced Mozart at an early age and I identified how artistry sometimes secludes you and labels you as a prodigy. I enjoyed Opera's like Les' Miserables and grasped the intensity of war and revolution, and noticed that love is the base for struggle.... love for freedom, power, position, or privilege. Early Renaissance Paintings are still my favorite form of visual expression next to black art and poetry in the Harlem Renaissance period. Greek tragedies and plays as well as Shakespearean literature drew me to metaphors. I was happy I chose the arts over athletics when I did because it still helps me to understand the beauty of God's picture of unconditional love to me, Christ...

Performing molded me in a way I think nothing else could. Although I enjoyed the poetry, acting, singing, and stepping, Dancing was the catalyst to my outward notion of compassion, enthusiam of human experiences ... Dancing taught me to give my all like 'It' cared what my impression of life was. Like

'It' understood that I had a destiny to fulfill. Like 'It' needed me to know that there were treasures inside of me that needed to be refined. Diamonds....

I learned complete honesty is necessary in life because I have to be true to my what I'm saying in my dance. I learned commitment and flexibility in life because I must learn to finish entire routines and ride the different beats and grooves no matter how they flow. Whether the music skips or not, the show must continue. Life doesn't stop when I stop moving so I gotta add my piece to it. I learned to be confident even in my shortcomings, because no one really knows if you mess up but you. I learned to be enegetic and add my own personality to each movement, the same exact way I approach and job interview or task that I may have. Those are my diamonds... and it's the pricelessness of my love that lasts forever.

Just Breathe

Every where I go I still feel heavy....

1 and then the 2, 2 and then the 3, 3 and then the 4.... then you gotta Breathe - Fabolous

I always feel like there's some work, some thing, or some important goal that has my name attached to it waiting for me to finish. Beyond the titles, reputation, and small labels I've acquired for myself sometimes its hard to JUST BREATHE. I care about the condition of the world, society and people so much. Being able to one day finally let go would probably change my world one day at a time. So, I thought I'd find a safe a positive way to relieve myself of the heavy thought processes my mind endures each day.

I thank God for being who I am because I don't think anyone else could be me any better. My life is very tough. Beyond high expectations I've set for myself , a nagging spirit of perfection, and the intense moments of isolation and separation I have to encounter..... life is Hard for me.

And, I'm beginning to notice that leadership and authoritative positions sometimes leaves room for a hidden inner self. I have a self that can never really be exposed without it affecting those looking up to me, those who trust in me, some who desire the best for me, some who lean on my strength somedays. It's not easy taking the "Road Not Taken."

It's hard to share when people think you're superwoman. And, then its harder to share with someone who knows you're not because you're afraid to lose them when they find out who you really are. I think worshipping God is the moment when it all becomes so much more real to me. I feel him searching the caves of my heart looking for places to fill me, heal me where I fall short and its right then that the tears must come. It's because He knows me so well, and knows just how I internalize my pains and pressures. He wants to do the very things that I cannot do for myself, the things I try so hard to obtain but still cannot grasp without him; wholeness. It's an intimacy that nobody could ever replace. I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't saved and in relationship with the Lord.

Even when I'm not thinking, I am thinking.... I wanna be a good woman, friend, sister, daughter, lover, minister, and teacher... especially in the moments when I find it hard to just breathe.