I will not Regret

I'm so hip, even my errors are correct....

Nikki Giovanni

(from Ego Trippin)

Everything that's happened to me has made me so strong... I mean.... I can't even look at my errors and be like... " I wish I never did that." I'm at such an awareness of the supernatural, and the natural at such a good age that I'm more than thankful. I heard a sermon by T.D. Jakes and he was discussing the mindset of someone that's used to and accustomed to winning every battle. He said sometimes some people are so used to winning all the time that they cannot handle their first knockout. He said when you win, you've got to be strong enough to keep winning and humble enough to maintain what comes along with winning, because the minute you think you're the hottest thing, here comes the fall. Jeremiah and Zechariah also tried to explain what it felt like to see a city, a King, or someone of prominence fall. Those around them cannot fathom in their minds what could bring a great person or nation down. But, I've learned that Pride comes before a fall. Jakes also related it to Mike Tyson, the once highly favored heavyweight champion of the world, who is now really suffering. Society is only concerned with the winners. The educational system is centered only around successful battles, and successful inventions. Sadly, it seems he's never been the same since Buster Douglas defeated him in the tenth round because Mike had previously won 37 matches in a row. He was the champ. And after he fell the same people that cheered for him, made fun of him. After a "winner" loses it seems that he or she's world goes tumbling and spiraling down shortly afterward. The winner struggles because they were never prepared for defeat, or for the comeback. And then there are some that are so used to losing every battle that when they win they're suprised. There are friends I've lost, friends I've gained. Money I thought I wasted, but "all things work together for the good of those that love HIM and are called according to his purpose.

Who am I ?

Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.

Genesis 2:18

I really thank God for the gift of singleness and solitude. I thank God for helping me and keeping my mind and heart towards Him. I thank Him for his correction, and chastisement until I get the point He's been trying to make. I thank Him for the grace of one more day to get it right. Finally, I think I get what He's been pulling at me for years to let me know.

Tonight I came into the actualization that I do have a piece inside of me that functions so well that it will complete the right man. It is vital to his existence. What I have inside of me makes me a suitable, adapted, and complementary partner. He and I are two whole and functional pieces that shall make one whole part of the body of Christ. But, because lack of knowledge of Satan's wiles and tricks I became broken by many and thought I had to stay that way to live. I was afraid that if I began to walk in my fullest capacity, those around me would not be able to handle me.

Since childhood, it was frowned upon to be more intelligent or knowledgeable than "street." I was frowned upon for being thinner than "normal." It was frowned upon for following rules and guidelines because it was more attractive to live in disobedience to authority. Self- discipline seemed like cruelty to other people because I had limitations for safety for myself. Even though it wasn't a set rule, not to tease, not to let injustice ride, not to find the bad in others, it was something I lived by. I was lured into having an attitude rather than smile, lured into lying to cover up my obedience to a greater sense of morality, ethics, and God. Now that I'm looking back, I ask myself knowing that I lived a double life.... If that was never me, then who am I?

I've done countless bible studies on God's conversations with me. He said to me in a small voice, "My people have forgotten who I am. And, because of that they have lost themselves. They do whatever they see others do, whenever they 'feel.' But, I sent Christ as a small reminder of who they are because they can do greater works. They are like me. Princes, and Kings, Princesses and Queens of truth, righteous, light, and Holiness. Ambassadors for my grace. "

Tonight I've realized that I've subdued my strengths in my past, and put forth my weaknesses in order that people believe that I'm human just like them. But.... I'm not like them. I'm me. And there is something in me that God has made just like himself.

I realized that I've hidden my true desires and allowed my loving nature to be abused because I tried to adapt to a world that cannot accept the real.

I realized I won't even be true to myself because I don't want to be deemed as too outspoken, too eccentric, or too forthright....

But tonight I realize who I am.

I'm an artist. I'm a Prophetess. I'm a thinker. I'm determined. I'm a revolutionary.

I'm a singer. I'm an advocate. I'm polite. I'm humble. I'm a composer. I'm emotional.

I 'm a poet. I'm a writer. I'm focused. I'm a dancer. I'm a musician.

I'm a teacher. I'm a songwriter. I'm strong. I'm a Rapper. I'm faithful. I'm powerful.

I'm bubbly. I'm passionate. I'm an African. I'm a Christian. I'm beautiful.

I'm a leader. I'm nurturing. I'm classy. I'm sophisticated. I'm intelligent. I'm understanding.

I'm a visionary. I'm a dreamer. I'm ethereal. I'm forgiving and forgiven.

and I'm allowed to be that way without explanation or worry.

Once I begin to operate in those characteristics I can fully be effectively used by God because I'm yeilded to the Lord. Only God can judge how I deal with those traits he's blessed me with because he knows the true motives of my heart and how I use them.

All this time I was wondering why I haven't met the one yet, and God was really waiting on me to realize who I was because He's always known, my mate knows now, and I was the holdup. My mate recognizes me and the me I'm not. He knows I'm the missing piece because my future husband loves all those things about me so much it shines over my weaknesses. He encourages me to be myself and do what God says do no matter what. I love him because of that supernatural connection and bond... Thank you

Moved to Tears

It started out as a normal routine, but ended with me visiting a place I try to avoid daily.... the depths of my heart.

I ran the water, prepared for my weekly facial and stress relieving shower. I turned the music on as I usually do, but tonight it was different. I felt the words speaking to me, like there was a silent concert taking place in my heart... directly. These days I walk around like an icicle.... cold, and unmoved by anything other than duty. I handle my business and do no more. It's like I've pushed past pain months ago, but I failed to hold on to hope. Although the pain is gone, I felt empty if I concentrated on anything else other than the Lord. I tried to get by by just going with the flow, but something broke in me and the only thing that's flowing now are my tears.

Last night the music had its way with me. It entered me and evicted some bitterness, and low self esteem that had been hiding. I felt warmth, longing, and love. I felt God trying to move the unmovable. I felt God breathing hope into me. I felt God searching my heart for cracks. I felt God mending me. I felt like God was singing me love songs.....

It moved me to tears


Artist: Kem
Song: Love Calls
Album: Kemistry

I’m sittin’ here thinkin’ about you tonight
And all that you mean to me
I used to think I would never fall in love again
I guess I was wrong
When your heart was broken
When your wounded pride was laid to rest, baby
You’ll never open your heart to anyone else you said
But you lied, I know you’re lyin’ to me
You see your mind might be made up, mmm
But your heart has got it’s own plans
There’s no one to blame for false pride, tellin’ lies,tryin’ to hide
From feelin’ the pain, I know you don’t wanna feel it

There’s nowhere to hide when the love is callin’ your name, yeah
From the dark, babe, nowhere to hide, baby
There’s nowhere to hide, so let love have it’s way with your heart
When love calls, love calls, love calls your name


It’s on my lips
And I wish that you were still here
To take me away with your kiss
And take me away from all this crazy, crazy
‘Cause too many words have been spoken, mmm
Too many lies have been told, baby
You’ll never do it again you told yourself over andover and overYou’re wrong, dead wrong, babe, yeah

There’s nowhere to hide, mmm, when love is callin’your name
In from the dark, baby, nowhere to run, girl
There’s nowhere to hide, yeah, so let love have its way, girl, with your heart, babe
Love calls, love calls
There’s nowhere to hide, yeah, when love calls your name
You fall apart, baby
Nowhere to hide, nowhere to run when love is on its way, girl, to your heart, baby
When love calls, love calls your name, babe
Love’s callin’ your name, hey, hey
It’s callin’ out for, callin’ out for me, baby
Love’s on its way, baby, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah


I’m sittin’ here thinkin’ about you tonight
And how you make me feel
The sweetness of your touch
The softness of your voice, mmm
You make me wanna be a better man, baby
And I wanna thank you for calling me into your life
Into your arms, into your love

Lady In Waiting

Many dreams since then you've had, have come and gone. The time might show.

But stress, don't you let in, don't you forget it. Trust you'll find your way love.

Hope is what your heart is made of. And don't you forget it.

Don't you forget your way home.

For that little girl, Hold on to your world.

- Glenn Lewis

G od gave me word.... He asked me to define the word 'wait'. And knowing God, that meant that He had asked me to wait before, and I must have been doing it wrongly.

I must have had my own interpretation of the word if He asked me to find the legal definition. Since, I was dealing with the issue of "waiting," I must have become impatient. I tried to make things go my way and disguised it to myself as aiding God. I thought I was "placing myself in position" for God to be God, but God is always God anywhere regardless of my position. I would go to church and they would still tell me to "wait upon the Lord and He would renew my strength," or "Let go and Let God," when I was really hoping to hear another message. But, in honesty, it got to a point where hearing 'wait' all the time after a while became a cliche and I did not know why I was waiting. "Waiting on the Lord" seemed like some unfruitful slogan that many just recited to get me to bear the unbearable.... So I waited. And, sometimes not knowing what I was waiting for. Many times waiting for something for so long I just felt like it was never going to happen. But when he asked me to define the word, the instruction he had given me so many times over, I thought it was the best thing He could have ever asked me to do.

I looked it up, read it, and it said...

1. To remain or rest in expectation: waiting for the guests to arrive. See Synonyms at stay.


2. To tarry until another catches up.


3. To remain or be in readiness: lunch waiting on the table.


4. To remain temporarily neglected, unattended to, or postponed: The trip will have to wait.


5. To work as a waiter or waitress.
   

I never considered the part that said "in expectation" or '"til another catches up," or to "be in readiness." I waited as if I was in a state of stagnation and as if God was stationary. I waited like the only moves God was trying to make were away from me. I figured God wanted to go and handle everyone else's business and was going to get back to me when my attitude had changed about something. But, I had forgotten that while it only seemed like things were on pause in the Natural, God was working overtime and diligently molding me and all the situations that involved me in the Supernatural. Yes I believe in God with entirety but something more must have been there, if I couldn't do a simple thing... WAIT.....

And then I realized, I did not wait because I did not trust. I was able to discover that the base of waiting involved trust. I have to trust in God with all my heart that He would not and could not forget me. But before trust, still were more issues that needed to surface. I needed to know that at the base of trusting was love. God personifies real and true love, not an earthly love that would undoubtedly disappoint. I have allowed things to cloud what love really is, what it meant, how it felt, acted, and came from. Understanding that God loved me meant walking in the revelation that He could not forget me because he loved me first; because I was His own. And the evidence of his presence in my life and manifestation of His love was His sacrifice.

Proverbs 4:7 says "Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom, and upon thy getting, get understanding"...... Funny, I understand duty and responsibility.... But, I'm starting to believe through Godly wisdom that the breakdown is that I do not understand love.

But I will....

Diamonds

The music and the dancing is a means to draw them in, the love is what sustains them....

Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise,

That I dance like I have diamonds at the meeting of my thighs?

- Maya Angelou, "Still I Rise"

They constantly ask if they can come home with me, and I always refuse. I love them but I just can't do it. They don't stop hinting at my mothering capablilities, and totheir amazement I tell them I've never had a naturalborn child. They think it's hot that I can do so many things and I know so much, I tell them that I only know some things very well. They tell me I'll be a great mother to my own children one day, and I just wonder. They ask if I could be their mom and I'm always flattered. So, when their real moms come to get them, I feel the envy. But, I never try to out do the mothers, I just try to give each child the attention they deserve at work.... Or maybe I'm just giving them the attention I felt I deserved as a child....

Honestly, I have to pray hard before each day of work because children are the most intuitive people I know. It's like they can sense the slightest bit of insecurity inside of you, especially when they look up to you. So, I have to ask God to show me just which talents and how to use them the right way. By doing so, I really show them that life is about using what's inside of you to find joy. But, teaching them about joy sometimes it is complicated when I myself am still getting lessons in joy.

I went to work extremely tired, and feeling a little empty today. But, the children called me "beautiful." Whenever they say it and smile, it revives everything inside of me that was once dead because I know they are God's little instruments. God can use a child to minister straight to your hidden needs because of the purity of their hearts. They're accidentally honest on purpose sometimes. And the motives for the " I love you's" and "We need you's" they smother me with, are rooted in their strong desire to let me know that I am special, especially to them. Tim said to me today, "Aww Miss Jay, you're breaking out... it's ok cause everybody thinks you're beautiful!" I picked my head up, and felt like things were gonna be ok.

The values and morals that I steadily impart in these children are priceless. My attitude is, "why hold my gifts and talents to myself?" Worth more than any physical diamonds are the spiritual reasons behind my dancing.

I grasped on to dance as an emerging teenager to help me rise out of my own shyness and self doubt. There were things that I could do that others just couldn't replicate. Performances became my private world. Dancing became my own unique talent used to minister unto the Lord.

The Arts as a whole strengthened and layed a broad foundation in my life for understanding life. I embraced Mozart at an early age and I identified how artistry sometimes secludes you and labels you as a prodigy. I enjoyed Opera's like Les' Miserables and grasped the intensity of war and revolution, and noticed that love is the base for struggle.... love for freedom, power, position, or privilege. Early Renaissance Paintings are still my favorite form of visual expression next to black art and poetry in the Harlem Renaissance period. Greek tragedies and plays as well as Shakespearean literature drew me to metaphors. I was happy I chose the arts over athletics when I did because it still helps me to understand the beauty of God's picture of unconditional love to me, Christ...

Performing molded me in a way I think nothing else could. Although I enjoyed the poetry, acting, singing, and stepping, Dancing was the catalyst to my outward notion of compassion, enthusiam of human experiences ... Dancing taught me to give my all like 'It' cared what my impression of life was. Like

'It' understood that I had a destiny to fulfill. Like 'It' needed me to know that there were treasures inside of me that needed to be refined. Diamonds....

I learned complete honesty is necessary in life because I have to be true to my what I'm saying in my dance. I learned commitment and flexibility in life because I must learn to finish entire routines and ride the different beats and grooves no matter how they flow. Whether the music skips or not, the show must continue. Life doesn't stop when I stop moving so I gotta add my piece to it. I learned to be confident even in my shortcomings, because no one really knows if you mess up but you. I learned to be enegetic and add my own personality to each movement, the same exact way I approach and job interview or task that I may have. Those are my diamonds... and it's the pricelessness of my love that lasts forever.

Just Breathe

Every where I go I still feel heavy....

1 and then the 2, 2 and then the 3, 3 and then the 4.... then you gotta Breathe - Fabolous

I always feel like there's some work, some thing, or some important goal that has my name attached to it waiting for me to finish. Beyond the titles, reputation, and small labels I've acquired for myself sometimes its hard to JUST BREATHE. I care about the condition of the world, society and people so much. Being able to one day finally let go would probably change my world one day at a time. So, I thought I'd find a safe a positive way to relieve myself of the heavy thought processes my mind endures each day.

I thank God for being who I am because I don't think anyone else could be me any better. My life is very tough. Beyond high expectations I've set for myself , a nagging spirit of perfection, and the intense moments of isolation and separation I have to encounter..... life is Hard for me.

And, I'm beginning to notice that leadership and authoritative positions sometimes leaves room for a hidden inner self. I have a self that can never really be exposed without it affecting those looking up to me, those who trust in me, some who desire the best for me, some who lean on my strength somedays. It's not easy taking the "Road Not Taken."

It's hard to share when people think you're superwoman. And, then its harder to share with someone who knows you're not because you're afraid to lose them when they find out who you really are. I think worshipping God is the moment when it all becomes so much more real to me. I feel him searching the caves of my heart looking for places to fill me, heal me where I fall short and its right then that the tears must come. It's because He knows me so well, and knows just how I internalize my pains and pressures. He wants to do the very things that I cannot do for myself, the things I try so hard to obtain but still cannot grasp without him; wholeness. It's an intimacy that nobody could ever replace. I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't saved and in relationship with the Lord.

Even when I'm not thinking, I am thinking.... I wanna be a good woman, friend, sister, daughter, lover, minister, and teacher... especially in the moments when I find it hard to just breathe.