About Time

Things get Better in Time


Well, I don't know about things getting better but I do know that they get clearer. My whole life I've hid a lot about myself from others because I was too "intelligent." I didn't want to upset the "norm" by asking a question no one had the answer to. OR make others feel inferior. However, At this junction and life, I feel like I have a lot of gaps in my social circle as far as diversity and quality; as a result, I'm forced to release my inner turmoil in this way. I would like to feel as if things are getting better, instead I feel like they just cycle through the same ol' song and dance, and I just keep getting older.
I'm turning 29 next year, married and with no children, no abortions, and a degree and I didn't get my picket white fence, banging job with benefits, and all the other stuff my parents told me a college
These are my moments of clarity for this year so far:

I love working for myself; I love the challenge and the rewards.

I hate liars, but I can understand why they might lie sometimes

I've accepted my body and skin color.

Some people really abuse the forgiveness clause in being a Christian, and think I should just let them take all the time in the world to get things right.

I'd like more romance with the goo goo ga ga feeling attached to it.

Real friendships are too hard to find after college.

Marriage can wash out your own identity if you are of opposite temperaments.

My personal style is very reflective of my mood.

Cooking and cleaning feel really good when things are going right, but are burdensome when things are on the down part of life.

The more near death experiences a person has, the richer his or her life becomes.

Real Women are definitely built for compatibility with real men ONLY!

I will not Regret

I'm so hip, even my errors are correct....

Nikki Giovanni

(from Ego Trippin)

Everything that's happened to me has made me so strong... I mean.... I can't even look at my errors and be like... " I wish I never did that." I'm at such an awareness of the supernatural, and the natural at such a good age that I'm more than thankful. I heard a sermon by T.D. Jakes and he was discussing the mindset of someone that's used to and accustomed to winning every battle. He said sometimes some people are so used to winning all the time that they cannot handle their first knockout. He said when you win, you've got to be strong enough to keep winning and humble enough to maintain what comes along with winning, because the minute you think you're the hottest thing, here comes the fall. Jeremiah and Zechariah also tried to explain what it felt like to see a city, a King, or someone of prominence fall. Those around them cannot fathom in their minds what could bring a great person or nation down. But, I've learned that Pride comes before a fall. Jakes also related it to Mike Tyson, the once highly favored heavyweight champion of the world, who is now really suffering. Society is only concerned with the winners. The educational system is centered only around successful battles, and successful inventions. Sadly, it seems he's never been the same since Buster Douglas defeated him in the tenth round because Mike had previously won 37 matches in a row. He was the champ. And after he fell the same people that cheered for him, made fun of him. After a "winner" loses it seems that he or she's world goes tumbling and spiraling down shortly afterward. The winner struggles because they were never prepared for defeat, or for the comeback. And then there are some that are so used to losing every battle that when they win they're suprised. There are friends I've lost, friends I've gained. Money I thought I wasted, but "all things work together for the good of those that love HIM and are called according to his purpose.

Who am I ?

Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.

Genesis 2:18

I really thank God for the gift of singleness and solitude. I thank God for helping me and keeping my mind and heart towards Him. I thank Him for his correction, and chastisement until I get the point He's been trying to make. I thank Him for the grace of one more day to get it right. Finally, I think I get what He's been pulling at me for years to let me know.

Tonight I came into the actualization that I do have a piece inside of me that functions so well that it will complete the right man. It is vital to his existence. What I have inside of me makes me a suitable, adapted, and complementary partner. He and I are two whole and functional pieces that shall make one whole part of the body of Christ. But, because lack of knowledge of Satan's wiles and tricks I became broken by many and thought I had to stay that way to live. I was afraid that if I began to walk in my fullest capacity, those around me would not be able to handle me.

Since childhood, it was frowned upon to be more intelligent or knowledgeable than "street." I was frowned upon for being thinner than "normal." It was frowned upon for following rules and guidelines because it was more attractive to live in disobedience to authority. Self- discipline seemed like cruelty to other people because I had limitations for safety for myself. Even though it wasn't a set rule, not to tease, not to let injustice ride, not to find the bad in others, it was something I lived by. I was lured into having an attitude rather than smile, lured into lying to cover up my obedience to a greater sense of morality, ethics, and God. Now that I'm looking back, I ask myself knowing that I lived a double life.... If that was never me, then who am I?

I've done countless bible studies on God's conversations with me. He said to me in a small voice, "My people have forgotten who I am. And, because of that they have lost themselves. They do whatever they see others do, whenever they 'feel.' But, I sent Christ as a small reminder of who they are because they can do greater works. They are like me. Princes, and Kings, Princesses and Queens of truth, righteous, light, and Holiness. Ambassadors for my grace. "

Tonight I've realized that I've subdued my strengths in my past, and put forth my weaknesses in order that people believe that I'm human just like them. But.... I'm not like them. I'm me. And there is something in me that God has made just like himself.

I realized that I've hidden my true desires and allowed my loving nature to be abused because I tried to adapt to a world that cannot accept the real.

I realized I won't even be true to myself because I don't want to be deemed as too outspoken, too eccentric, or too forthright....

But tonight I realize who I am.

I'm an artist. I'm a Prophetess. I'm a thinker. I'm determined. I'm a revolutionary.

I'm a singer. I'm an advocate. I'm polite. I'm humble. I'm a composer. I'm emotional.

I 'm a poet. I'm a writer. I'm focused. I'm a dancer. I'm a musician.

I'm a teacher. I'm a songwriter. I'm strong. I'm a Rapper. I'm faithful. I'm powerful.

I'm bubbly. I'm passionate. I'm an African. I'm a Christian. I'm beautiful.

I'm a leader. I'm nurturing. I'm classy. I'm sophisticated. I'm intelligent. I'm understanding.

I'm a visionary. I'm a dreamer. I'm ethereal. I'm forgiving and forgiven.

and I'm allowed to be that way without explanation or worry.

Once I begin to operate in those characteristics I can fully be effectively used by God because I'm yeilded to the Lord. Only God can judge how I deal with those traits he's blessed me with because he knows the true motives of my heart and how I use them.

All this time I was wondering why I haven't met the one yet, and God was really waiting on me to realize who I was because He's always known, my mate knows now, and I was the holdup. My mate recognizes me and the me I'm not. He knows I'm the missing piece because my future husband loves all those things about me so much it shines over my weaknesses. He encourages me to be myself and do what God says do no matter what. I love him because of that supernatural connection and bond... Thank you