Just Breathe

Every where I go I still feel heavy....

1 and then the 2, 2 and then the 3, 3 and then the 4.... then you gotta Breathe - Fabolous

I always feel like there's some work, some thing, or some important goal that has my name attached to it waiting for me to finish. Beyond the titles, reputation, and small labels I've acquired for myself sometimes its hard to JUST BREATHE. I care about the condition of the world, society and people so much. Being able to one day finally let go would probably change my world one day at a time. So, I thought I'd find a safe a positive way to relieve myself of the heavy thought processes my mind endures each day.

I thank God for being who I am because I don't think anyone else could be me any better. My life is very tough. Beyond high expectations I've set for myself , a nagging spirit of perfection, and the intense moments of isolation and separation I have to encounter..... life is Hard for me.

And, I'm beginning to notice that leadership and authoritative positions sometimes leaves room for a hidden inner self. I have a self that can never really be exposed without it affecting those looking up to me, those who trust in me, some who desire the best for me, some who lean on my strength somedays. It's not easy taking the "Road Not Taken."

It's hard to share when people think you're superwoman. And, then its harder to share with someone who knows you're not because you're afraid to lose them when they find out who you really are. I think worshipping God is the moment when it all becomes so much more real to me. I feel him searching the caves of my heart looking for places to fill me, heal me where I fall short and its right then that the tears must come. It's because He knows me so well, and knows just how I internalize my pains and pressures. He wants to do the very things that I cannot do for myself, the things I try so hard to obtain but still cannot grasp without him; wholeness. It's an intimacy that nobody could ever replace. I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't saved and in relationship with the Lord.

Even when I'm not thinking, I am thinking.... I wanna be a good woman, friend, sister, daughter, lover, minister, and teacher... especially in the moments when I find it hard to just breathe.